Running for Fun!

"The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." Robert Frost

I went back to the family doctor that told me I have pneumonia. I finished the antibiotics and still felt like I couldn't breathe or take a full breathe. I was told that it takes 6-8 weeks to be able to breathe again. 6-8 weeks? That's either the week before or the week after the marathon! Breathing is kind of a problem but I'll just go slower.

I continue with the training. I find that I'm SO TIRED and get worn out really quick while I run. I wonder if I'm not getting quite enough oxygen or something while I run because of the pneumonia? Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep or something? I have no idea.

15 miles on Saturday, that's what I was supposed to run. 15 miles. I mapped it out on the computer on Thursday. Holy Far Batman!!! On the Rail Trail... it would take me from my house to the edge of Salt Lake City. If the trail even goes that far! Salt Lake City!??! People drive there! You don't run there for FUN! OK, NEW course. I map out a loop that takes me from Kaysville, through Farmington, back through Kaysville to Layton, west in Layton and back to my house. OK, I'm still freaked out. I try not to think about it and I figure by Saturday I'll be pumped and ready to go for it.

Saturday. I was DREADING Saturday. I didn't want to get out of bed. I reluctantly put on my running shoes and headed out the door. My older girls were going to ride their bikes the distance with me and carry my water and carbs in a basket on their bikes. I warned them they had to stay positive and only say nice things. No way could they say, "How much longer?" or "Are we there yet?".

Around mile 1. "Wow! I think we've gone like 5 miles already! We're doing good!" Me- "Um. No. We've gone about 1 mile. Yes, we're doing good." I personally felt like we've gone 5 miles also. "So 15 take away 1... we still have 14 miles left?" Me-"Yep. That's right." 14 miles left? Geesh! I'm tired already!

There's a wind that picks up and starts blowing pretty hard right at us. "It sure is hard to ride our bikes in the wind! I think it's going to knock us over! Wow! I'm TIRED! I think I need a drink! Aren't you so thirsty Mom?" OK, this is NOT working! I'm cold, I'm miserable, so are my kids, I didn't want to do this anyway and I'd rather be doing... anything... else... with my kids right now. We get about 4 miles and I call Zach to bring the truck to pick us all up. The girls were relieved. "It's just too windy for riding bikes today." I tell Zach it just wasn't working out with the girls and I'll try to run the 15 tomorrow after church or something.

I get home and start thinking. Why am I doing this? I don't enjoy it anymore, I actually dread it! It used to be fun! I used to look forward to it. It used to be time just for me, time for me to take care of myself. Am I still taking care of myself? I have plantar fasciitis that hurts and pulls when I step on it. I'm running on a weak, sprained ankle. I have pneumonia and can't breathe well enough to feed my muscles oxygen. I've missed 4-5 weeks of training because my daughter has been in the hospital. Missing that many weeks of a 16 week training program is kind of a big deal! I've been trying to skip ahead, make up time, push a little harder and instead of feeling like I've got this, I feel like... I'm falling apart. I'm missing the base... the foundation. Could I finish the marathon? I know myself well enough to know that I could, only because I don't give up easily though, I might be crawling across the finish line. Would I enjoy it? Absolutely not. Right now it sounds more like a personal hell than any type of fun. I think I just had so much go wrong in my life lately... I just wanted SOMETHING to go right! Anything! Even if I had to FORCE something good to happen.

I think when I first started this whole thing I felt like in order to say "I'm a runner." I needed to accomplish something big. Runners run marathons! They have a medal to prove it! The sad part is I've accomplished a lot on my journey to run the marathon and it all has meant... nothing. It was just another step to achieve the big goal. I ran a half marathon and wasn't happy about it at all! There was no sense of accomplishment, no "Wow, I did good!", I was just trying to make it through, if I did it, maybe I could move on to the next level, that's all.

That's CRAP! I should have been excited! I should have felt awesome about it! I ran a half marathon and that's amazing! Most people could never say that they've done that! Let alone the girl who skipped gym class and the most athletic thing she had ever done was tap dance in the school musical.... that's amazing that... THAT girl did THIS! She's come this far! I did that! Me! The girl who couldn't run for 30 seconds straight a year ago, just ran a half marathon! That rocks! I'm happy about that. I also think that's about as much as I can handle right now.

Final decision. I'm NOT going to run the marathon in May. I might want to run one in the future but I want to do it with the proper time and training. I can't miss weeks of training and still expect to get the same result. I don't want it to be something that stresses me out or something that I absolutely dread! It kind of defeats the purpose of why I started in the first place! I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to have time to just myself. Time where I show that I care enough to take care of my body. That's all. I just need to take care of myself. Pushing my body to do this in this short amount of time is not taking the best care of me, not mentally, physically or any other -ally.

When it comes right down to it... I don't need a medal from a marathon to call myself a runner. I AM a runner. I LIKE to run. Sometimes it might be 3 miles, sometimes 10 and on bad days when we're in the hospital with my daughter I might not run at all. I don't give up though, I may not be running marathons but I keep going.

Next goal... run uphill for 3 miles straight. That's part of my run when I do Ragnar in June with my friends. FOR FUN! I'll tell you how training is going for that in my next post! First things first though... I'm going to get fully recovered from my pneumonia!



"We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." Will Rogers

5 weeks left. Half Marathon

I was laying in bed the night before the half marathon scared out of my mind. I had only gone 12 miles last weekend and I walked half of it. I thought about my ankle that still felt week and wobbly and the bottom of my other foot that I've spent 3 weeks in physical therapy trying to heal, only... it hasn't done much yet. I thought about how I still felt like I couldn't breathe. Maybe I should go back to the Doctor to see if the pneumonia is gone yet? Well I can't worry about that until Monday. I went to sleep thinking about how cold the weather was supposed to be the next morning.

I woke up at 5:45am. I got dressed in the long sleeve shirt and long pants I had set out for myself last night. The shirt was supposed to keep my heat in and draw the moisture away from my body. I knew I would be freezing before I got going but I would heat up as I started to run. Someone said it should be a pretty easy course. Mostly flat and then down hill. I tried to think positive thoughts as I got in the car.

Zach drove me there. I watched the thermometer drop with every mile farther into the canyon we went. I was dressed for 40 degrees and it looked like it would be more around 30. Snow covered the ground and I realized it was going to be quite a slushy run.

The buses were supposed to leave the Red Moose Lodge at 6:45am and we were a few minutes late. I was worried that we missed it so he drove me to the start and we sat in the warm car until someone came and tapped on the window asking us to move. The buses were on their way. I got out of the car, stood in the snow and watched Zach drive away in the warm car. This is crazy! Who does this? I'm standing in the freezing cold, my feet getting wet in the snow and now I realize there's quite a gust of wind coming off the mountain blowing snow right on me. Nice.

A few other people trickled in the same way I did and then finally the buses came. Everyone filed out of the buses and we made our way down stream to the starting line. We all kind of huddled together, maybe to be warmer or maybe to brace ourselves against the winds. Zach's Uncle Stan comes by me and we talk. He talks me into wearing a long sleeved shirt on top that he had brought along in his bag. I accept and am thankful for the extra layer. The count down started and we all moved forward. Everyone seemed to go slower across the start line than in previous races. I took a deep breathe, crossed the line and I was on my own.

13 miles. 13.1 miles. I started with a slow jog. Others were passing me and I tried not to think about it. I'm here to finish not to be competitive.

The first few miles went fairly well. I was getting into a rhythm. I had made up my mind prior that I would walk through every rest stop while I drank, I wanted to stay hydrated. Around mile 3 was the first one. I started walking when I got close, took my water, sipped it while I walked around. I stretched, then started off on a slow jog to get back into the swing of things.

I was behind a girl wearing blue and we had the same stride, the same pace and I stuck with her. We stayed right together. We both had earphones on so never talked but it was nice to have someone to keep tempo with. The winds picked up a little bit and it got a little harder but I was still able to keep my pace. Everything was so beautiful! I took some pictures really quick with my iPhone as I ran past. We came to the second stop and I grabbed my water, walked, sipped and... had to use the restroom. What the...? I had tried to "go" several times before this, at home, and then right before the race started and NOW I have to go? I stepped into the port-a-potty and I couldn't help but feel like I needed to hurry things along, I could hear people passing as I... did my thing. Uuuggghh!! I stepped out, rubbed my hands with hand sanitizer and grabbed some "gu".

Gu. I can't even describe it. I suppose I should have tried it out before one of these races. The idea is that you squirt it in your mouth and it provides some carbs that quickly absorb so you can have instant energy to use. I tore open the packet of gu, squirted half of it in my mouth and then it was kind of stuck. I really didn't know what to do with it. You don't need to chew it, it's not solid. It's not liquid enough to easily swallow. I had this big blob of... of... flubber? Yeah maybe flubber would be a good way to describe it. Thick gel like substance that might be able to bounce off of walls if you threw it. I decided the best way to handle it was to swallow it in one shot. I tried to gulp it down but my gag reflexes kicked in and made it more difficult than I thought. I got it down. I still had half the pack left and now that I knew what to expect I pushed up from the bottom grabbed and pulled the rest out with my teeth and swallowed as quickly as possible. I grabbed more water to tried to make sure it went down the pipe all the way and started on my way again.

I felt behind. I'm sure my "running partner" was way ahead. Zach called around mile 7 and gave some words of encouragement. Talking to him was actually pretty easy. I didn't feel winded while I did it. I decided I could pick up my pace.

There were hills! Whoever said there weren't must live somewhere besides West Kaysville! They obviously don't know what FLAT is. I was actually doing really well on the hills. Some people started walking and I kept going pretty well. I passed a few people and was feeling good. I could see my partner in blue up ahead. Holy Cow! I caught up? That's awesome! About then is when the wind really picked up. It was coming at me from a diagonal. My front left. It was constant but every once in a while it would have this huge burst that I felt might knock me down! The wind picked up specks of snow as it came and it felt like I was getting glittered with snow.

I started chanting in my mind. "My toes are strong, my feet are strong, my ankles are strong..." you get the point. I would end near the top with "my lungs are strong, my heart is strong, my shoulders..." etc... This mental image of each part of my body was helpful. My knees were starting to hurt. I imagined that it was the muscles working hard to be stronger. I came to a set of 2 long hills. I started up the first one and my sister called. "Are you running a race?" "Yes." She was my cheerleader for a moment while I mentally tried to make it up the hill.

The hills were finished! Yay! It's mile 9 1/2 and I turn a corner. Whoa! The wind is coming right at me now and I feel like it's pushing against my body. My muscles are working extra hard. I'm fighting for each step. I decide to walk through one song. That's what I need. I just need a break. I slow to a brisk walk. Even walking is hard. Break time is over and I start running again.

I can feel every muscle in my body. My stomach muscles are feeling sore, my chest, my legs and hips, everything. I get some really hard gusts of wind that blow flakes of snow into my face. I can't keep running against the wind. I need to concentrate on not being knocked down. I decide to walk until mile 12 and then run the last mile. I finally reached mile 12 and started to run. I just couldn't. My body was done. I decided to walk until mile 13 and then I would run the last .1, I just have to cross the finish line in a run.

I finally turn a corner and can see the mile 13 marker and the finish line. I start to run. Wow! I am stiff and sore from head to toe. Everything hurts. Is it supposed to feel this way? I cross the finish line with Zach cheering me on. Yay Zach! I finish in 2:43:31. That's a 12:28 minute mile. Not so bad for the potty break & all! I want to die. I get a drink and keep walking. This is as far as I ever want to run in my life. No marathon for me. I'm done.

I stretch out, get in the car and Zach drives me home. I take an epsom salt bath, ice the parts that hurt the most, take some Aleve, take a nap, I can barely walk. I am for SURE not ever going to run more than that!

The next day. Everything is still sore and stiff. I feel better over all though. I can walk. I find my self debating the marathon still in my mind. I'm half way there! One more training race, an 18 miler, and then I'm there. They say if you can run the 18 miles you can run the 26.2 miles. 18 miles. That's only 5 more than what I just did! Do I want to come this close only to give up? I'm going to have to work my butt off but I think I can do it. I have just over 5 weeks left.