6 1/2 Weeks left until the Marathon.

I tried to run 12 miles. I couldn't breathe because I have bronchial pneumonia and I was limping the last 3 miles because I was in pain. Oh! And I walked nearly half of it! So things are going great here!

Yeah um... I'm not at all worried. : / I have a half marathon on Saturday. We'll see how that goes. So will I be running the marathon in May? I'll get back to ya.

Oh and, by the way. Those aren't my legs in the picture, I'm pretty sure that's a guy. I totally stole the picture off the internet. I do shave... most the time.

8 Weeks Until the Marathon: Should I keep trying?

The question I was trying to figure out this week is whether or not I should try to run the Ogden Marathon on May 15th. From my previous couple of blogs you can see that I've had some obstacles placed in my way of training recently.

I've talked to some friends lately and I've had various advise, all of it thoughtful and useful. On one end of the spectrum the advise from friends & family is that I need to figure out what's important. Maybe let go of the marathon but keep running or walking if I need too. I can't do everything and I've had a lot put on my plate and I need to deal with that properly before I can move forward. I need to take care of my family and if I let go of the marathon in May it's OK and I need to give myself permission and not feel guilty about that. I'm not superwoman after all, I need to go easy on myself and maybe plan a different goal.

The other end is that I shouldn't turn into the "caretaker" and give up on my own goals. I'll always have things thrown at me and I need to roll with the punches.

Somewhere in the middle a friend told me that maybe what I need to do is figure out how I feel about it. If it's stressing me out and not helping me than I should let it go. If it's a release and freeing to me than I need it in my life right now.

So... How do I feel about running? Well that's the problem. I'm not sure. That's what I decided to figure out this week.

Well it's hard to know how I really feel about running when the pain in my ankle and foot is pulling my attention while I run, so the first thing I did was make an appointment for physical therapy. They started doing "A-Stem" where they scrape my muscles in an effort to break up all of the tissues so that it can rebuild properly. It hurt. I did some exercise to help strengthen those muscles. I went twice this week and will go twice a week for the next 2 weeks. It should be taken care of by the end. (Let's hope and pray!)

I ran. The first day I ran 3 miles and was winded while doing it. I felt like I couldn't breathe. That's the sucky part about running. If you have to stop for any reason it takes time to build back up to where you were. The 2nd day I ran 5 miles. It was easier breathing but my hip was hurting. Today I was supposed to run 10 miles. This was the day when I would decide. This run would tell me how I'm doing and if I'm going to be able to move forward with the rest of the training. From this run I should be able to figure out if I love it, if it's relieving or if this is something I need to let go of.

I started off feeling wonderful. I got all the way to mile 6 and still felt GREAT! I wasn't doing any super times or anything but, my breathing was easy, I wasn't hurting anywhere, my mind was clearing and I felt really good. I think this is for sure a keeper! I'll keep going, I can do this! I will run the marathon!

Then around mile 7 I ran out of steam. I'd been running for just over an hour and I was starting to feel weak. Carbs! I need something to eat and I need a drink! Why didn't I think of this before I left? I should have been more prepared. The longest I had run so far was 8 miles so I hadn't needed the drink & carbs to keep going before. I was still just over 3 miles from home and maybe I could've made it but I would have been miserable. I called Zach and asked him to meet me at an old barn & bring water & a Lara Bar. He came to my rescue. I took a couple minutes to eat the nutrition bar & sip a bunch of water. Then it was off again. A few minutes into the run I felt great again.

It was on a dirt road going by a nature preserve that it started to fall apart. I had about 2 miles left and my legs were starting to feel tight, my toes and balls of my feet were starting to go numb from being pounded into the earth and I wanted to lay down. A while later I decided to walk for a bit. I walked for about a quarter of a mile, I could start to feel my toes again and I started running again.

I did it. No, there's no exclamation mark. No excitement. No celebrating. I just ran 10 miles for the first time in my life and I'm just OK about it. I kept trying to be excited but it really wasn't there. Maybe because I felt like the run kicked my butt during the last part? Maybe because I feel like I cheated because of the snack break and the walking? Maybe it's because I thought I would have a definite answer by the end of the run and I'm just as confused as when I started.

The hard part is that there's things I love about it and things I hate about it. When I'm feeling good and I'm doing well, I love it. I would continue to do it forever, I feel like I need it and I question how I could have ever considered giving it up. When I'm hurting or tired I wonder why I would ever want to keep doing this and why would I have this extra stress in my life. I'm really torn. I THINK the positive outweighs the negative but I feel like it's a scale that could fall either way at any time.

So what do I do? I don't know. I like it enough to keep going... for now. I guess I'll just take it week by week. If there comes a point where I think I just can't handle it than I'm taking the first round of advice and I will freely, without any guilt, just let it go. I won't give up running but maybe the goal of THIS marathon. Otherwise, I just keep going along. I'll do the best I can. In 2 weeks I have a half-marathon. If I can run 12 miles this next weekend then I think I can do the half the next and then I'll be back on schedule. I'll take it as it comes and see where I end up.

So I guess I still don't have a definite answer yet. That's OK though. I can't let this depress me or stress me out. No matter what happens I have to remember that less than a year ago I couldn't run for 30 seconds straight and today I just ran 10 miles. 10 MILES!! (Yes, now with exclamations!) What I've done and how far I've come is something to celebrate and it makes me want to see how much more I can do.

We can do more than what we think we're capable of.

The Race

It's a perfect day for a race. The skies are clouded over which makes it not too hot outside and because of recent changes in the weather it's a warm 45 degrees. In Utah that's shorts type of weather, especially while running.

I'm nervous. It's more quiet than usual at the start line & everyone is huddled together in one mass waiting for the last few seconds to count down. The course will be familiar, we've all ran it before on the previous 2 races. I know what I have to look forward to. Long hills that will push me farther than I think my limits are and the shorter super-steep hills come after. Those short hills will feel like climbing a ladder. Did I sign up for rock climbing? I try not to be scared & repeat in my mind, "I love hills! This will be AWESOME! My butt is gonna be HOT in that swimsuit next month! I know I can do this! I've trained for this, I've done these hills before and it's OK, I might have to walk a lot of it but I will do this!"

There's a sharp sound in the air that signals us to move forward and in one wave of people everyone moves like scared deer suddenly spooked out of the meadow.

At least... this is how I would imagine it. This is how I THINK it would happen if I were really there. I'm not. I've been in a different kind of race lately.

Right after my previous post my 2 year old daughter, Anneliese, was sick. Ear infection, eye infection in both eyes, fever, runny nose, she wouldn't eat or drink, she was vomiting, had diarrhea and hadn't urinated in about 10 hours. She was dehydrated and because we've recently discovered she has Juvenile Diabetes she was sent to the ER at Primary Children's Hospital to have an IV. The plan was to re-hydrate & then go home but her blood sugar levels fell really low & the trip to the ER turned into a 3 day stay. I just came home last night with her.

I haven't really ran now in 3 weeks, I haven't been to any physical therapy like I was supposed to, I haven't done any cardio unless you count my efforts of taking the stairs instead of the elevator, my right foot is still hurting & my left ankle has actually caused a limp when I walk. I've also gained weight, maybe due to sitting for 3 days straight with no sleep and not the healthiest food available. (Why don't hospitals serve healthier food? There's only so many meals in a row you can eat salad bar!)

The race is going on right now. Hard as that race is, I wish I was there. Considering the trouble I had WALKING 10 miles on... pretty much flat land last week AND considering that both of my feet need help. Oh, and let's not forget that I have done about ZERO amount of training in the last 3 weeks. Then there's the part where I'm so tired I might end up face down on this keyboard any moment. Well... all of these things combined make me think I might kill my chances of ever being able to run again if I attempt this race today.

So you might ask, "Is she giving up?". Well, I think I have a long enough list now of reasons not to move forward with my goal of running the marathon in May. The least of the items on the list being I'm behind on schedule. Do I think it's even still possible? Yes I do. I think I can still do it. It will be a lot of hard work and take a lot of good luck from this point on but it's possible and as long as it's possible, I know if I don't keep trying I will be disappointed in myself. I'm worried that if I don't keep working toward this goal I might just stop running or trying all together. I don't think Anneliese, my husband or my other kids want a wife or mom who just decided to give up on herself when things got hard.

You see, I've been thrown off my horse quite a few times lately by winds that are definitely not in my control but if I don't keep climbing back on and trying to go farther... won't I still just be sitting on the ground going nowhere? That would be easier for sure but it's not who I am.

9 Weeks Until Marathon: The Wrench

A couple weeks have passed since my last post. I've put off writing for various reasons. 2 days after my last post my 2 year old daughter spent a few days in Primary Children's Medical Center. For a full account please see my other blog. (scroll over space below to see link) http://juliespilledthebeans.blogspot.com/2010/02/annelieses-trip-to-primary-childrens.html

Well needless to say my husband & I were at the hospital really late at night. He would stay over with Anneliese & I would go home, sleep, juggle our other 3 children around & make arrangements for us to be gone the next day. I didn't run, I was an emotional wreck, I was tired and I was overwhelmed.

We came home on Friday and we were trying to figure out our new normal. Saturday I decided to run. I was supposed to run 10 miles if I wanted to stay on my schedule. I thought it might help clear my head or maybe give me some sort of balance back into my life. I was stressed but I didn't want to give up my goal.

I ran. I ran hard. I ran up hills that I didn't even realize I had gone up until I was done. My mind was in a daze. My body was running like it never had before. It was around mile 4 when I stopped running, I fell to my knees on the curb and cried. I just couldn't do it. I had nothing left to give, not even to myself. I felt like I had ran emotional marathons everyday since we took her to the Dr. I felt like someone had lifted me up, thrown me off a cliff and I was grabbing at roots and rocks to try to keep alive only the rocks keep falling and the roots keep breaking off. There, alone, in the street, everything came swelling up and my body became immovable. I called Zach to come & get me. I was done.

A week passed and I had no desire to run. Besides... my early mornings were packed with more Dr appointments and I had no time.

Sunday came and I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to socialize or talk to people, I was mad and didn't feel like acting for people. I wasn't mad at anything or anyone in particular, I wasn't mad at God or my Husband, I guess I was just mad at the situation we were in, I was mad that I wasn't taking care of myself, I was mad that I was letting my goal go and didn't care to do anything about it. I was mad that I had somewhere else to go that day. I was mad that I had been self medicating with chocolate and Pepsi for 2 weeks. Maybe I was mad that I was feeling everything I was feeling, after-all, it's not like she had some terminal disease, she wasn't going to DIE from this! She was going to be fine, I should feel grateful! Am I mad because I'm ungrateful? I have no idea WHY I was mad, I was just upset... depressed. Zach suggested that I take a break for the day and go run. I didn't really want to go. It took me 45 minutes to put on running shoes. I got on You-Tube to try & find something that might spark some positive emotion about running. I found it. A girl who had just ran her first marathon and how she felt throughout and after the process.

I went out the door with a new determination. 10 miles. I feel like I have no control over my life and what happens but I have control over this and I NEED to do this. I ran 3 miles and started to feel physically drained. I couldn't run anymore. I started to walk. The idea was that I would start running again after I gave myself a break. I tried a couple of feeble attempts but didn't get far before I started walking again. That's OK, I'll just walk the 10 miles.

Around mile 7 my foot & ankle started hurting again. By mile 9 I could barely step on my right foot. The pain was excruciating. I thought the Plantar Fasciitis was gone! I had one mile left and I thought about calling Zach to come & get me because of the pain but I NEEDED to finish. Somehow this extreme pain was almost... relieving. It made me feel... something... something other than emotional pain. I just kept repeating in my head... I CAN do this, I WILL do this, I AM doing this. I finally made it home, iced my feet and took a shower that seemed to wash away more than dirt & sweat.

I'm feeling a little better everyday. I have the 10 mile race this Saturday. (The hardest one yet.) I know I won't be able to run it. I'm determined to walk it, I don't care if I'm the last one to cross the line, I just want to do it. The Podiatrist wrapped up my feet again and is sending me to physical therapy so I can heal in time to run the marathon. The hope is that there will be no more pain in 3 weeks. I'm stuck back on the elliptical in the meantime which I'm not excited about but at least I'm still moving forward.

I had this little wrench thrown in that stopped everything from working perfectly and I'm still just trying to figure out how to make everything work... it will be different, I know, but we will get it worked out again.