The Race

It's a perfect day for a race. The skies are clouded over which makes it not too hot outside and because of recent changes in the weather it's a warm 45 degrees. In Utah that's shorts type of weather, especially while running.

I'm nervous. It's more quiet than usual at the start line & everyone is huddled together in one mass waiting for the last few seconds to count down. The course will be familiar, we've all ran it before on the previous 2 races. I know what I have to look forward to. Long hills that will push me farther than I think my limits are and the shorter super-steep hills come after. Those short hills will feel like climbing a ladder. Did I sign up for rock climbing? I try not to be scared & repeat in my mind, "I love hills! This will be AWESOME! My butt is gonna be HOT in that swimsuit next month! I know I can do this! I've trained for this, I've done these hills before and it's OK, I might have to walk a lot of it but I will do this!"

There's a sharp sound in the air that signals us to move forward and in one wave of people everyone moves like scared deer suddenly spooked out of the meadow.

At least... this is how I would imagine it. This is how I THINK it would happen if I were really there. I'm not. I've been in a different kind of race lately.

Right after my previous post my 2 year old daughter, Anneliese, was sick. Ear infection, eye infection in both eyes, fever, runny nose, she wouldn't eat or drink, she was vomiting, had diarrhea and hadn't urinated in about 10 hours. She was dehydrated and because we've recently discovered she has Juvenile Diabetes she was sent to the ER at Primary Children's Hospital to have an IV. The plan was to re-hydrate & then go home but her blood sugar levels fell really low & the trip to the ER turned into a 3 day stay. I just came home last night with her.

I haven't really ran now in 3 weeks, I haven't been to any physical therapy like I was supposed to, I haven't done any cardio unless you count my efforts of taking the stairs instead of the elevator, my right foot is still hurting & my left ankle has actually caused a limp when I walk. I've also gained weight, maybe due to sitting for 3 days straight with no sleep and not the healthiest food available. (Why don't hospitals serve healthier food? There's only so many meals in a row you can eat salad bar!)

The race is going on right now. Hard as that race is, I wish I was there. Considering the trouble I had WALKING 10 miles on... pretty much flat land last week AND considering that both of my feet need help. Oh, and let's not forget that I have done about ZERO amount of training in the last 3 weeks. Then there's the part where I'm so tired I might end up face down on this keyboard any moment. Well... all of these things combined make me think I might kill my chances of ever being able to run again if I attempt this race today.

So you might ask, "Is she giving up?". Well, I think I have a long enough list now of reasons not to move forward with my goal of running the marathon in May. The least of the items on the list being I'm behind on schedule. Do I think it's even still possible? Yes I do. I think I can still do it. It will be a lot of hard work and take a lot of good luck from this point on but it's possible and as long as it's possible, I know if I don't keep trying I will be disappointed in myself. I'm worried that if I don't keep working toward this goal I might just stop running or trying all together. I don't think Anneliese, my husband or my other kids want a wife or mom who just decided to give up on herself when things got hard.

You see, I've been thrown off my horse quite a few times lately by winds that are definitely not in my control but if I don't keep climbing back on and trying to go farther... won't I still just be sitting on the ground going nowhere? That would be easier for sure but it's not who I am.