8 Weeks Until the Marathon: Should I keep trying?

The question I was trying to figure out this week is whether or not I should try to run the Ogden Marathon on May 15th. From my previous couple of blogs you can see that I've had some obstacles placed in my way of training recently.

I've talked to some friends lately and I've had various advise, all of it thoughtful and useful. On one end of the spectrum the advise from friends & family is that I need to figure out what's important. Maybe let go of the marathon but keep running or walking if I need too. I can't do everything and I've had a lot put on my plate and I need to deal with that properly before I can move forward. I need to take care of my family and if I let go of the marathon in May it's OK and I need to give myself permission and not feel guilty about that. I'm not superwoman after all, I need to go easy on myself and maybe plan a different goal.

The other end is that I shouldn't turn into the "caretaker" and give up on my own goals. I'll always have things thrown at me and I need to roll with the punches.

Somewhere in the middle a friend told me that maybe what I need to do is figure out how I feel about it. If it's stressing me out and not helping me than I should let it go. If it's a release and freeing to me than I need it in my life right now.

So... How do I feel about running? Well that's the problem. I'm not sure. That's what I decided to figure out this week.

Well it's hard to know how I really feel about running when the pain in my ankle and foot is pulling my attention while I run, so the first thing I did was make an appointment for physical therapy. They started doing "A-Stem" where they scrape my muscles in an effort to break up all of the tissues so that it can rebuild properly. It hurt. I did some exercise to help strengthen those muscles. I went twice this week and will go twice a week for the next 2 weeks. It should be taken care of by the end. (Let's hope and pray!)

I ran. The first day I ran 3 miles and was winded while doing it. I felt like I couldn't breathe. That's the sucky part about running. If you have to stop for any reason it takes time to build back up to where you were. The 2nd day I ran 5 miles. It was easier breathing but my hip was hurting. Today I was supposed to run 10 miles. This was the day when I would decide. This run would tell me how I'm doing and if I'm going to be able to move forward with the rest of the training. From this run I should be able to figure out if I love it, if it's relieving or if this is something I need to let go of.

I started off feeling wonderful. I got all the way to mile 6 and still felt GREAT! I wasn't doing any super times or anything but, my breathing was easy, I wasn't hurting anywhere, my mind was clearing and I felt really good. I think this is for sure a keeper! I'll keep going, I can do this! I will run the marathon!

Then around mile 7 I ran out of steam. I'd been running for just over an hour and I was starting to feel weak. Carbs! I need something to eat and I need a drink! Why didn't I think of this before I left? I should have been more prepared. The longest I had run so far was 8 miles so I hadn't needed the drink & carbs to keep going before. I was still just over 3 miles from home and maybe I could've made it but I would have been miserable. I called Zach and asked him to meet me at an old barn & bring water & a Lara Bar. He came to my rescue. I took a couple minutes to eat the nutrition bar & sip a bunch of water. Then it was off again. A few minutes into the run I felt great again.

It was on a dirt road going by a nature preserve that it started to fall apart. I had about 2 miles left and my legs were starting to feel tight, my toes and balls of my feet were starting to go numb from being pounded into the earth and I wanted to lay down. A while later I decided to walk for a bit. I walked for about a quarter of a mile, I could start to feel my toes again and I started running again.

I did it. No, there's no exclamation mark. No excitement. No celebrating. I just ran 10 miles for the first time in my life and I'm just OK about it. I kept trying to be excited but it really wasn't there. Maybe because I felt like the run kicked my butt during the last part? Maybe because I feel like I cheated because of the snack break and the walking? Maybe it's because I thought I would have a definite answer by the end of the run and I'm just as confused as when I started.

The hard part is that there's things I love about it and things I hate about it. When I'm feeling good and I'm doing well, I love it. I would continue to do it forever, I feel like I need it and I question how I could have ever considered giving it up. When I'm hurting or tired I wonder why I would ever want to keep doing this and why would I have this extra stress in my life. I'm really torn. I THINK the positive outweighs the negative but I feel like it's a scale that could fall either way at any time.

So what do I do? I don't know. I like it enough to keep going... for now. I guess I'll just take it week by week. If there comes a point where I think I just can't handle it than I'm taking the first round of advice and I will freely, without any guilt, just let it go. I won't give up running but maybe the goal of THIS marathon. Otherwise, I just keep going along. I'll do the best I can. In 2 weeks I have a half-marathon. If I can run 12 miles this next weekend then I think I can do the half the next and then I'll be back on schedule. I'll take it as it comes and see where I end up.

So I guess I still don't have a definite answer yet. That's OK though. I can't let this depress me or stress me out. No matter what happens I have to remember that less than a year ago I couldn't run for 30 seconds straight and today I just ran 10 miles. 10 MILES!! (Yes, now with exclamations!) What I've done and how far I've come is something to celebrate and it makes me want to see how much more I can do.

We can do more than what we think we're capable of.