Coming out of the dark.

I really don't even know where to start with this. It's been over a year since I've written and a lot has happened. In order for you, whoever you are, to better understand me. I think I need to talk about where I've been and how I got here.

My last entry, was a year ago. It was April and I was training to run Ragnar with my friends. My 2 year old daughter had just been diagnosed with Type 1 (Juvenile) Diabetes 60 days before. My son had fallen off a bar stool upon our return home from the hospital with her & broke his collar bone. Then my 2 yr old got a cold virus, only, because of the diabetes we were in the hospital again for 3 days. My son needed to have his tonsils out shortly after that. According to my last entry I had just been diagnosed with Pneumonia & was trying to recover from that. What I didn't know... was that things were about to get a whole lot worse. At least, that's how I saw it at the time.

The marathon I had trained so vigorously for was in May. I had gotten up to mile 18. Then I had to take time off for my daughter, my son, my daughter, my son, my pneumonia & I felt like I was starting over on my running. The stress, although I would never admit I wasn't coping well & by all appearances I seemed fine, was really killing me. I was beating myself up over any and everything. I could NOT make my daughters blood glucose stay in the limits no matter how hard I tried. This made me feel like a failure as a mother. The most basic of things we can do as a Mom is to keep our kids alive and healthy. I could not be perfect at this, not with her. My son... well... as hard as I try to keep my stunt doing, gravity challenged child alive... this too... seems an impossible task some days. My 2nd daughter was not doing well in school and getting her to try, in the least bit, seemed like I might as well be trying to pull out her teeth. My oldest daughter was the only one that I didn't need to worry about and I'm quite thankful for that, I'm not sure I could have handled anything else. As I wrote, I had pneumonia. Shortly after the last blog was written I found myself in my doctors office complaining of pain in my lower abdomen. In June, I was in surgery to remove some "cysts, tumors or growths of some kind" and to make sure nothing would ever grow again... I had an endometrial ablation. My uterus, destroyed, left me emotionally distraught. I know it doesn't make sense, I mean, we were done having kids... but... the fact that I COULDN'T... even if I WANTED to... was upsetting. About this time... I felt completely alone and I went into a depression. Everything... in my life... was just too much.

Those of you that know me, know that I'm usually pretty optimistic, outgoing, happy. I don't usually let much get me down & if it does, I can bounce back pretty quick. This was new for me.

It took much longer to recover from the surgery than I had expected. I had to give up Ragnar. I had to give up the marathon. I felt like a failure with running. I don't like not achieving any goal that I set out to do. The half marathon in Disneyland that I had signed up for was in September and I wasn't able to get out & start walking again until July. Because of the pain, it took me 10 minutes to walk down to the corner & back. That's only... a 30 minutes mile. I got better & faster until I was jogging again. The longest I went was about 7 miles of jogging. Within a week of the half marathon, I was still unsure of whether or not I would do it. The whole family had plans to be there anyway, so... I might as well go out & do as much of it as I can. I FINISHED! I had to walk parts of it but I did it! I'm proud of myself now, but at the time, not even this could make me happy.

After that.... I gave up. I didn't care. I didn't care about myself. I started eating crap. Hamburgers & Fries? Sure. Whatever. You want sugar cereal tonight for dinner? Mom can't possibly make anything tonight, she's too tired. I knew that exercise might help. The thought of going out to exercise in any form... made me even more depressed. It was just another reminder of what a failure I am. One more thing I couldn't do right.

October through March... was pretty much a blur. I wasn't me, I didn't care, I didn't want to. I gained about 30 pounds, which made me more depressed. Which would make me "self medicate" with a Pepsi or chocolate to try to kill the pain. (That helps, right? :D) Finally in March... I kind of started coming back to myself. I would have days... here & there... where I would try to eat better. I went for a walk around the block.... which for having just done a half marathon 6 months ago was surprisingly hard but at least I was doing... something.

I realized that I will ALWAYS have problems with my daughter's diabetes & It will never be something I master. It will always just be... a work in progress. So... I can't give up. I can't give up on her. I can't give up hope that my son will one day find balance when he walks, or sits, or lays down. I can't give up hope that my daughter will start to ENJOY learning. As it turns out... I wasn't alone at all. I had my husband, my family, they were there all along. It was me that was shutting them out. Not the other way around. I finally started to feel like "me" again. Well... this "me"... runs. This "me" takes care of herself. This "me" is NOT perfect and is a work in progress just like with everything else in life.

I am starting over. Starting now. Not tomorrow, not next week or at the beginning of next month, or after my Wedding Anniversary. I need to be done with excuses & just do it. Today I took the kids, went for a walk and I started Weight Watchers. I signed up for the Layton Half Marathon and for the Tinker Bell Half Marathon in Disneyland. I will be "me" again.... maybe a little smarter than before, but I think... better.

Running for Fun!

"The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." Robert Frost

I went back to the family doctor that told me I have pneumonia. I finished the antibiotics and still felt like I couldn't breathe or take a full breathe. I was told that it takes 6-8 weeks to be able to breathe again. 6-8 weeks? That's either the week before or the week after the marathon! Breathing is kind of a problem but I'll just go slower.

I continue with the training. I find that I'm SO TIRED and get worn out really quick while I run. I wonder if I'm not getting quite enough oxygen or something while I run because of the pneumonia? Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep or something? I have no idea.

15 miles on Saturday, that's what I was supposed to run. 15 miles. I mapped it out on the computer on Thursday. Holy Far Batman!!! On the Rail Trail... it would take me from my house to the edge of Salt Lake City. If the trail even goes that far! Salt Lake City!??! People drive there! You don't run there for FUN! OK, NEW course. I map out a loop that takes me from Kaysville, through Farmington, back through Kaysville to Layton, west in Layton and back to my house. OK, I'm still freaked out. I try not to think about it and I figure by Saturday I'll be pumped and ready to go for it.

Saturday. I was DREADING Saturday. I didn't want to get out of bed. I reluctantly put on my running shoes and headed out the door. My older girls were going to ride their bikes the distance with me and carry my water and carbs in a basket on their bikes. I warned them they had to stay positive and only say nice things. No way could they say, "How much longer?" or "Are we there yet?".

Around mile 1. "Wow! I think we've gone like 5 miles already! We're doing good!" Me- "Um. No. We've gone about 1 mile. Yes, we're doing good." I personally felt like we've gone 5 miles also. "So 15 take away 1... we still have 14 miles left?" Me-"Yep. That's right." 14 miles left? Geesh! I'm tired already!

There's a wind that picks up and starts blowing pretty hard right at us. "It sure is hard to ride our bikes in the wind! I think it's going to knock us over! Wow! I'm TIRED! I think I need a drink! Aren't you so thirsty Mom?" OK, this is NOT working! I'm cold, I'm miserable, so are my kids, I didn't want to do this anyway and I'd rather be doing... anything... else... with my kids right now. We get about 4 miles and I call Zach to bring the truck to pick us all up. The girls were relieved. "It's just too windy for riding bikes today." I tell Zach it just wasn't working out with the girls and I'll try to run the 15 tomorrow after church or something.

I get home and start thinking. Why am I doing this? I don't enjoy it anymore, I actually dread it! It used to be fun! I used to look forward to it. It used to be time just for me, time for me to take care of myself. Am I still taking care of myself? I have plantar fasciitis that hurts and pulls when I step on it. I'm running on a weak, sprained ankle. I have pneumonia and can't breathe well enough to feed my muscles oxygen. I've missed 4-5 weeks of training because my daughter has been in the hospital. Missing that many weeks of a 16 week training program is kind of a big deal! I've been trying to skip ahead, make up time, push a little harder and instead of feeling like I've got this, I feel like... I'm falling apart. I'm missing the base... the foundation. Could I finish the marathon? I know myself well enough to know that I could, only because I don't give up easily though, I might be crawling across the finish line. Would I enjoy it? Absolutely not. Right now it sounds more like a personal hell than any type of fun. I think I just had so much go wrong in my life lately... I just wanted SOMETHING to go right! Anything! Even if I had to FORCE something good to happen.

I think when I first started this whole thing I felt like in order to say "I'm a runner." I needed to accomplish something big. Runners run marathons! They have a medal to prove it! The sad part is I've accomplished a lot on my journey to run the marathon and it all has meant... nothing. It was just another step to achieve the big goal. I ran a half marathon and wasn't happy about it at all! There was no sense of accomplishment, no "Wow, I did good!", I was just trying to make it through, if I did it, maybe I could move on to the next level, that's all.

That's CRAP! I should have been excited! I should have felt awesome about it! I ran a half marathon and that's amazing! Most people could never say that they've done that! Let alone the girl who skipped gym class and the most athletic thing she had ever done was tap dance in the school musical.... that's amazing that... THAT girl did THIS! She's come this far! I did that! Me! The girl who couldn't run for 30 seconds straight a year ago, just ran a half marathon! That rocks! I'm happy about that. I also think that's about as much as I can handle right now.

Final decision. I'm NOT going to run the marathon in May. I might want to run one in the future but I want to do it with the proper time and training. I can't miss weeks of training and still expect to get the same result. I don't want it to be something that stresses me out or something that I absolutely dread! It kind of defeats the purpose of why I started in the first place! I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to have time to just myself. Time where I show that I care enough to take care of my body. That's all. I just need to take care of myself. Pushing my body to do this in this short amount of time is not taking the best care of me, not mentally, physically or any other -ally.

When it comes right down to it... I don't need a medal from a marathon to call myself a runner. I AM a runner. I LIKE to run. Sometimes it might be 3 miles, sometimes 10 and on bad days when we're in the hospital with my daughter I might not run at all. I don't give up though, I may not be running marathons but I keep going.

Next goal... run uphill for 3 miles straight. That's part of my run when I do Ragnar in June with my friends. FOR FUN! I'll tell you how training is going for that in my next post! First things first though... I'm going to get fully recovered from my pneumonia!



"We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." Will Rogers

5 weeks left. Half Marathon

I was laying in bed the night before the half marathon scared out of my mind. I had only gone 12 miles last weekend and I walked half of it. I thought about my ankle that still felt week and wobbly and the bottom of my other foot that I've spent 3 weeks in physical therapy trying to heal, only... it hasn't done much yet. I thought about how I still felt like I couldn't breathe. Maybe I should go back to the Doctor to see if the pneumonia is gone yet? Well I can't worry about that until Monday. I went to sleep thinking about how cold the weather was supposed to be the next morning.

I woke up at 5:45am. I got dressed in the long sleeve shirt and long pants I had set out for myself last night. The shirt was supposed to keep my heat in and draw the moisture away from my body. I knew I would be freezing before I got going but I would heat up as I started to run. Someone said it should be a pretty easy course. Mostly flat and then down hill. I tried to think positive thoughts as I got in the car.

Zach drove me there. I watched the thermometer drop with every mile farther into the canyon we went. I was dressed for 40 degrees and it looked like it would be more around 30. Snow covered the ground and I realized it was going to be quite a slushy run.

The buses were supposed to leave the Red Moose Lodge at 6:45am and we were a few minutes late. I was worried that we missed it so he drove me to the start and we sat in the warm car until someone came and tapped on the window asking us to move. The buses were on their way. I got out of the car, stood in the snow and watched Zach drive away in the warm car. This is crazy! Who does this? I'm standing in the freezing cold, my feet getting wet in the snow and now I realize there's quite a gust of wind coming off the mountain blowing snow right on me. Nice.

A few other people trickled in the same way I did and then finally the buses came. Everyone filed out of the buses and we made our way down stream to the starting line. We all kind of huddled together, maybe to be warmer or maybe to brace ourselves against the winds. Zach's Uncle Stan comes by me and we talk. He talks me into wearing a long sleeved shirt on top that he had brought along in his bag. I accept and am thankful for the extra layer. The count down started and we all moved forward. Everyone seemed to go slower across the start line than in previous races. I took a deep breathe, crossed the line and I was on my own.

13 miles. 13.1 miles. I started with a slow jog. Others were passing me and I tried not to think about it. I'm here to finish not to be competitive.

The first few miles went fairly well. I was getting into a rhythm. I had made up my mind prior that I would walk through every rest stop while I drank, I wanted to stay hydrated. Around mile 3 was the first one. I started walking when I got close, took my water, sipped it while I walked around. I stretched, then started off on a slow jog to get back into the swing of things.

I was behind a girl wearing blue and we had the same stride, the same pace and I stuck with her. We stayed right together. We both had earphones on so never talked but it was nice to have someone to keep tempo with. The winds picked up a little bit and it got a little harder but I was still able to keep my pace. Everything was so beautiful! I took some pictures really quick with my iPhone as I ran past. We came to the second stop and I grabbed my water, walked, sipped and... had to use the restroom. What the...? I had tried to "go" several times before this, at home, and then right before the race started and NOW I have to go? I stepped into the port-a-potty and I couldn't help but feel like I needed to hurry things along, I could hear people passing as I... did my thing. Uuuggghh!! I stepped out, rubbed my hands with hand sanitizer and grabbed some "gu".

Gu. I can't even describe it. I suppose I should have tried it out before one of these races. The idea is that you squirt it in your mouth and it provides some carbs that quickly absorb so you can have instant energy to use. I tore open the packet of gu, squirted half of it in my mouth and then it was kind of stuck. I really didn't know what to do with it. You don't need to chew it, it's not solid. It's not liquid enough to easily swallow. I had this big blob of... of... flubber? Yeah maybe flubber would be a good way to describe it. Thick gel like substance that might be able to bounce off of walls if you threw it. I decided the best way to handle it was to swallow it in one shot. I tried to gulp it down but my gag reflexes kicked in and made it more difficult than I thought. I got it down. I still had half the pack left and now that I knew what to expect I pushed up from the bottom grabbed and pulled the rest out with my teeth and swallowed as quickly as possible. I grabbed more water to tried to make sure it went down the pipe all the way and started on my way again.

I felt behind. I'm sure my "running partner" was way ahead. Zach called around mile 7 and gave some words of encouragement. Talking to him was actually pretty easy. I didn't feel winded while I did it. I decided I could pick up my pace.

There were hills! Whoever said there weren't must live somewhere besides West Kaysville! They obviously don't know what FLAT is. I was actually doing really well on the hills. Some people started walking and I kept going pretty well. I passed a few people and was feeling good. I could see my partner in blue up ahead. Holy Cow! I caught up? That's awesome! About then is when the wind really picked up. It was coming at me from a diagonal. My front left. It was constant but every once in a while it would have this huge burst that I felt might knock me down! The wind picked up specks of snow as it came and it felt like I was getting glittered with snow.

I started chanting in my mind. "My toes are strong, my feet are strong, my ankles are strong..." you get the point. I would end near the top with "my lungs are strong, my heart is strong, my shoulders..." etc... This mental image of each part of my body was helpful. My knees were starting to hurt. I imagined that it was the muscles working hard to be stronger. I came to a set of 2 long hills. I started up the first one and my sister called. "Are you running a race?" "Yes." She was my cheerleader for a moment while I mentally tried to make it up the hill.

The hills were finished! Yay! It's mile 9 1/2 and I turn a corner. Whoa! The wind is coming right at me now and I feel like it's pushing against my body. My muscles are working extra hard. I'm fighting for each step. I decide to walk through one song. That's what I need. I just need a break. I slow to a brisk walk. Even walking is hard. Break time is over and I start running again.

I can feel every muscle in my body. My stomach muscles are feeling sore, my chest, my legs and hips, everything. I get some really hard gusts of wind that blow flakes of snow into my face. I can't keep running against the wind. I need to concentrate on not being knocked down. I decide to walk until mile 12 and then run the last mile. I finally reached mile 12 and started to run. I just couldn't. My body was done. I decided to walk until mile 13 and then I would run the last .1, I just have to cross the finish line in a run.

I finally turn a corner and can see the mile 13 marker and the finish line. I start to run. Wow! I am stiff and sore from head to toe. Everything hurts. Is it supposed to feel this way? I cross the finish line with Zach cheering me on. Yay Zach! I finish in 2:43:31. That's a 12:28 minute mile. Not so bad for the potty break & all! I want to die. I get a drink and keep walking. This is as far as I ever want to run in my life. No marathon for me. I'm done.

I stretch out, get in the car and Zach drives me home. I take an epsom salt bath, ice the parts that hurt the most, take some Aleve, take a nap, I can barely walk. I am for SURE not ever going to run more than that!

The next day. Everything is still sore and stiff. I feel better over all though. I can walk. I find my self debating the marathon still in my mind. I'm half way there! One more training race, an 18 miler, and then I'm there. They say if you can run the 18 miles you can run the 26.2 miles. 18 miles. That's only 5 more than what I just did! Do I want to come this close only to give up? I'm going to have to work my butt off but I think I can do it. I have just over 5 weeks left.

6 1/2 Weeks left until the Marathon.

I tried to run 12 miles. I couldn't breathe because I have bronchial pneumonia and I was limping the last 3 miles because I was in pain. Oh! And I walked nearly half of it! So things are going great here!

Yeah um... I'm not at all worried. : / I have a half marathon on Saturday. We'll see how that goes. So will I be running the marathon in May? I'll get back to ya.

Oh and, by the way. Those aren't my legs in the picture, I'm pretty sure that's a guy. I totally stole the picture off the internet. I do shave... most the time.

8 Weeks Until the Marathon: Should I keep trying?

The question I was trying to figure out this week is whether or not I should try to run the Ogden Marathon on May 15th. From my previous couple of blogs you can see that I've had some obstacles placed in my way of training recently.

I've talked to some friends lately and I've had various advise, all of it thoughtful and useful. On one end of the spectrum the advise from friends & family is that I need to figure out what's important. Maybe let go of the marathon but keep running or walking if I need too. I can't do everything and I've had a lot put on my plate and I need to deal with that properly before I can move forward. I need to take care of my family and if I let go of the marathon in May it's OK and I need to give myself permission and not feel guilty about that. I'm not superwoman after all, I need to go easy on myself and maybe plan a different goal.

The other end is that I shouldn't turn into the "caretaker" and give up on my own goals. I'll always have things thrown at me and I need to roll with the punches.

Somewhere in the middle a friend told me that maybe what I need to do is figure out how I feel about it. If it's stressing me out and not helping me than I should let it go. If it's a release and freeing to me than I need it in my life right now.

So... How do I feel about running? Well that's the problem. I'm not sure. That's what I decided to figure out this week.

Well it's hard to know how I really feel about running when the pain in my ankle and foot is pulling my attention while I run, so the first thing I did was make an appointment for physical therapy. They started doing "A-Stem" where they scrape my muscles in an effort to break up all of the tissues so that it can rebuild properly. It hurt. I did some exercise to help strengthen those muscles. I went twice this week and will go twice a week for the next 2 weeks. It should be taken care of by the end. (Let's hope and pray!)

I ran. The first day I ran 3 miles and was winded while doing it. I felt like I couldn't breathe. That's the sucky part about running. If you have to stop for any reason it takes time to build back up to where you were. The 2nd day I ran 5 miles. It was easier breathing but my hip was hurting. Today I was supposed to run 10 miles. This was the day when I would decide. This run would tell me how I'm doing and if I'm going to be able to move forward with the rest of the training. From this run I should be able to figure out if I love it, if it's relieving or if this is something I need to let go of.

I started off feeling wonderful. I got all the way to mile 6 and still felt GREAT! I wasn't doing any super times or anything but, my breathing was easy, I wasn't hurting anywhere, my mind was clearing and I felt really good. I think this is for sure a keeper! I'll keep going, I can do this! I will run the marathon!

Then around mile 7 I ran out of steam. I'd been running for just over an hour and I was starting to feel weak. Carbs! I need something to eat and I need a drink! Why didn't I think of this before I left? I should have been more prepared. The longest I had run so far was 8 miles so I hadn't needed the drink & carbs to keep going before. I was still just over 3 miles from home and maybe I could've made it but I would have been miserable. I called Zach and asked him to meet me at an old barn & bring water & a Lara Bar. He came to my rescue. I took a couple minutes to eat the nutrition bar & sip a bunch of water. Then it was off again. A few minutes into the run I felt great again.

It was on a dirt road going by a nature preserve that it started to fall apart. I had about 2 miles left and my legs were starting to feel tight, my toes and balls of my feet were starting to go numb from being pounded into the earth and I wanted to lay down. A while later I decided to walk for a bit. I walked for about a quarter of a mile, I could start to feel my toes again and I started running again.

I did it. No, there's no exclamation mark. No excitement. No celebrating. I just ran 10 miles for the first time in my life and I'm just OK about it. I kept trying to be excited but it really wasn't there. Maybe because I felt like the run kicked my butt during the last part? Maybe because I feel like I cheated because of the snack break and the walking? Maybe it's because I thought I would have a definite answer by the end of the run and I'm just as confused as when I started.

The hard part is that there's things I love about it and things I hate about it. When I'm feeling good and I'm doing well, I love it. I would continue to do it forever, I feel like I need it and I question how I could have ever considered giving it up. When I'm hurting or tired I wonder why I would ever want to keep doing this and why would I have this extra stress in my life. I'm really torn. I THINK the positive outweighs the negative but I feel like it's a scale that could fall either way at any time.

So what do I do? I don't know. I like it enough to keep going... for now. I guess I'll just take it week by week. If there comes a point where I think I just can't handle it than I'm taking the first round of advice and I will freely, without any guilt, just let it go. I won't give up running but maybe the goal of THIS marathon. Otherwise, I just keep going along. I'll do the best I can. In 2 weeks I have a half-marathon. If I can run 12 miles this next weekend then I think I can do the half the next and then I'll be back on schedule. I'll take it as it comes and see where I end up.

So I guess I still don't have a definite answer yet. That's OK though. I can't let this depress me or stress me out. No matter what happens I have to remember that less than a year ago I couldn't run for 30 seconds straight and today I just ran 10 miles. 10 MILES!! (Yes, now with exclamations!) What I've done and how far I've come is something to celebrate and it makes me want to see how much more I can do.

We can do more than what we think we're capable of.

The Race

It's a perfect day for a race. The skies are clouded over which makes it not too hot outside and because of recent changes in the weather it's a warm 45 degrees. In Utah that's shorts type of weather, especially while running.

I'm nervous. It's more quiet than usual at the start line & everyone is huddled together in one mass waiting for the last few seconds to count down. The course will be familiar, we've all ran it before on the previous 2 races. I know what I have to look forward to. Long hills that will push me farther than I think my limits are and the shorter super-steep hills come after. Those short hills will feel like climbing a ladder. Did I sign up for rock climbing? I try not to be scared & repeat in my mind, "I love hills! This will be AWESOME! My butt is gonna be HOT in that swimsuit next month! I know I can do this! I've trained for this, I've done these hills before and it's OK, I might have to walk a lot of it but I will do this!"

There's a sharp sound in the air that signals us to move forward and in one wave of people everyone moves like scared deer suddenly spooked out of the meadow.

At least... this is how I would imagine it. This is how I THINK it would happen if I were really there. I'm not. I've been in a different kind of race lately.

Right after my previous post my 2 year old daughter, Anneliese, was sick. Ear infection, eye infection in both eyes, fever, runny nose, she wouldn't eat or drink, she was vomiting, had diarrhea and hadn't urinated in about 10 hours. She was dehydrated and because we've recently discovered she has Juvenile Diabetes she was sent to the ER at Primary Children's Hospital to have an IV. The plan was to re-hydrate & then go home but her blood sugar levels fell really low & the trip to the ER turned into a 3 day stay. I just came home last night with her.

I haven't really ran now in 3 weeks, I haven't been to any physical therapy like I was supposed to, I haven't done any cardio unless you count my efforts of taking the stairs instead of the elevator, my right foot is still hurting & my left ankle has actually caused a limp when I walk. I've also gained weight, maybe due to sitting for 3 days straight with no sleep and not the healthiest food available. (Why don't hospitals serve healthier food? There's only so many meals in a row you can eat salad bar!)

The race is going on right now. Hard as that race is, I wish I was there. Considering the trouble I had WALKING 10 miles on... pretty much flat land last week AND considering that both of my feet need help. Oh, and let's not forget that I have done about ZERO amount of training in the last 3 weeks. Then there's the part where I'm so tired I might end up face down on this keyboard any moment. Well... all of these things combined make me think I might kill my chances of ever being able to run again if I attempt this race today.

So you might ask, "Is she giving up?". Well, I think I have a long enough list now of reasons not to move forward with my goal of running the marathon in May. The least of the items on the list being I'm behind on schedule. Do I think it's even still possible? Yes I do. I think I can still do it. It will be a lot of hard work and take a lot of good luck from this point on but it's possible and as long as it's possible, I know if I don't keep trying I will be disappointed in myself. I'm worried that if I don't keep working toward this goal I might just stop running or trying all together. I don't think Anneliese, my husband or my other kids want a wife or mom who just decided to give up on herself when things got hard.

You see, I've been thrown off my horse quite a few times lately by winds that are definitely not in my control but if I don't keep climbing back on and trying to go farther... won't I still just be sitting on the ground going nowhere? That would be easier for sure but it's not who I am.

9 Weeks Until Marathon: The Wrench

A couple weeks have passed since my last post. I've put off writing for various reasons. 2 days after my last post my 2 year old daughter spent a few days in Primary Children's Medical Center. For a full account please see my other blog. (scroll over space below to see link) http://juliespilledthebeans.blogspot.com/2010/02/annelieses-trip-to-primary-childrens.html

Well needless to say my husband & I were at the hospital really late at night. He would stay over with Anneliese & I would go home, sleep, juggle our other 3 children around & make arrangements for us to be gone the next day. I didn't run, I was an emotional wreck, I was tired and I was overwhelmed.

We came home on Friday and we were trying to figure out our new normal. Saturday I decided to run. I was supposed to run 10 miles if I wanted to stay on my schedule. I thought it might help clear my head or maybe give me some sort of balance back into my life. I was stressed but I didn't want to give up my goal.

I ran. I ran hard. I ran up hills that I didn't even realize I had gone up until I was done. My mind was in a daze. My body was running like it never had before. It was around mile 4 when I stopped running, I fell to my knees on the curb and cried. I just couldn't do it. I had nothing left to give, not even to myself. I felt like I had ran emotional marathons everyday since we took her to the Dr. I felt like someone had lifted me up, thrown me off a cliff and I was grabbing at roots and rocks to try to keep alive only the rocks keep falling and the roots keep breaking off. There, alone, in the street, everything came swelling up and my body became immovable. I called Zach to come & get me. I was done.

A week passed and I had no desire to run. Besides... my early mornings were packed with more Dr appointments and I had no time.

Sunday came and I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to socialize or talk to people, I was mad and didn't feel like acting for people. I wasn't mad at anything or anyone in particular, I wasn't mad at God or my Husband, I guess I was just mad at the situation we were in, I was mad that I wasn't taking care of myself, I was mad that I was letting my goal go and didn't care to do anything about it. I was mad that I had somewhere else to go that day. I was mad that I had been self medicating with chocolate and Pepsi for 2 weeks. Maybe I was mad that I was feeling everything I was feeling, after-all, it's not like she had some terminal disease, she wasn't going to DIE from this! She was going to be fine, I should feel grateful! Am I mad because I'm ungrateful? I have no idea WHY I was mad, I was just upset... depressed. Zach suggested that I take a break for the day and go run. I didn't really want to go. It took me 45 minutes to put on running shoes. I got on You-Tube to try & find something that might spark some positive emotion about running. I found it. A girl who had just ran her first marathon and how she felt throughout and after the process.

I went out the door with a new determination. 10 miles. I feel like I have no control over my life and what happens but I have control over this and I NEED to do this. I ran 3 miles and started to feel physically drained. I couldn't run anymore. I started to walk. The idea was that I would start running again after I gave myself a break. I tried a couple of feeble attempts but didn't get far before I started walking again. That's OK, I'll just walk the 10 miles.

Around mile 7 my foot & ankle started hurting again. By mile 9 I could barely step on my right foot. The pain was excruciating. I thought the Plantar Fasciitis was gone! I had one mile left and I thought about calling Zach to come & get me because of the pain but I NEEDED to finish. Somehow this extreme pain was almost... relieving. It made me feel... something... something other than emotional pain. I just kept repeating in my head... I CAN do this, I WILL do this, I AM doing this. I finally made it home, iced my feet and took a shower that seemed to wash away more than dirt & sweat.

I'm feeling a little better everyday. I have the 10 mile race this Saturday. (The hardest one yet.) I know I won't be able to run it. I'm determined to walk it, I don't care if I'm the last one to cross the line, I just want to do it. The Podiatrist wrapped up my feet again and is sending me to physical therapy so I can heal in time to run the marathon. The hope is that there will be no more pain in 3 weeks. I'm stuck back on the elliptical in the meantime which I'm not excited about but at least I'm still moving forward.

I had this little wrench thrown in that stopped everything from working perfectly and I'm still just trying to figure out how to make everything work... it will be different, I know, but we will get it worked out again.