6 1/2 Weeks left until the Marathon.

I tried to run 12 miles. I couldn't breathe because I have bronchial pneumonia and I was limping the last 3 miles because I was in pain. Oh! And I walked nearly half of it! So things are going great here!

Yeah um... I'm not at all worried. : / I have a half marathon on Saturday. We'll see how that goes. So will I be running the marathon in May? I'll get back to ya.

Oh and, by the way. Those aren't my legs in the picture, I'm pretty sure that's a guy. I totally stole the picture off the internet. I do shave... most the time.

8 Weeks Until the Marathon: Should I keep trying?

The question I was trying to figure out this week is whether or not I should try to run the Ogden Marathon on May 15th. From my previous couple of blogs you can see that I've had some obstacles placed in my way of training recently.

I've talked to some friends lately and I've had various advise, all of it thoughtful and useful. On one end of the spectrum the advise from friends & family is that I need to figure out what's important. Maybe let go of the marathon but keep running or walking if I need too. I can't do everything and I've had a lot put on my plate and I need to deal with that properly before I can move forward. I need to take care of my family and if I let go of the marathon in May it's OK and I need to give myself permission and not feel guilty about that. I'm not superwoman after all, I need to go easy on myself and maybe plan a different goal.

The other end is that I shouldn't turn into the "caretaker" and give up on my own goals. I'll always have things thrown at me and I need to roll with the punches.

Somewhere in the middle a friend told me that maybe what I need to do is figure out how I feel about it. If it's stressing me out and not helping me than I should let it go. If it's a release and freeing to me than I need it in my life right now.

So... How do I feel about running? Well that's the problem. I'm not sure. That's what I decided to figure out this week.

Well it's hard to know how I really feel about running when the pain in my ankle and foot is pulling my attention while I run, so the first thing I did was make an appointment for physical therapy. They started doing "A-Stem" where they scrape my muscles in an effort to break up all of the tissues so that it can rebuild properly. It hurt. I did some exercise to help strengthen those muscles. I went twice this week and will go twice a week for the next 2 weeks. It should be taken care of by the end. (Let's hope and pray!)

I ran. The first day I ran 3 miles and was winded while doing it. I felt like I couldn't breathe. That's the sucky part about running. If you have to stop for any reason it takes time to build back up to where you were. The 2nd day I ran 5 miles. It was easier breathing but my hip was hurting. Today I was supposed to run 10 miles. This was the day when I would decide. This run would tell me how I'm doing and if I'm going to be able to move forward with the rest of the training. From this run I should be able to figure out if I love it, if it's relieving or if this is something I need to let go of.

I started off feeling wonderful. I got all the way to mile 6 and still felt GREAT! I wasn't doing any super times or anything but, my breathing was easy, I wasn't hurting anywhere, my mind was clearing and I felt really good. I think this is for sure a keeper! I'll keep going, I can do this! I will run the marathon!

Then around mile 7 I ran out of steam. I'd been running for just over an hour and I was starting to feel weak. Carbs! I need something to eat and I need a drink! Why didn't I think of this before I left? I should have been more prepared. The longest I had run so far was 8 miles so I hadn't needed the drink & carbs to keep going before. I was still just over 3 miles from home and maybe I could've made it but I would have been miserable. I called Zach and asked him to meet me at an old barn & bring water & a Lara Bar. He came to my rescue. I took a couple minutes to eat the nutrition bar & sip a bunch of water. Then it was off again. A few minutes into the run I felt great again.

It was on a dirt road going by a nature preserve that it started to fall apart. I had about 2 miles left and my legs were starting to feel tight, my toes and balls of my feet were starting to go numb from being pounded into the earth and I wanted to lay down. A while later I decided to walk for a bit. I walked for about a quarter of a mile, I could start to feel my toes again and I started running again.

I did it. No, there's no exclamation mark. No excitement. No celebrating. I just ran 10 miles for the first time in my life and I'm just OK about it. I kept trying to be excited but it really wasn't there. Maybe because I felt like the run kicked my butt during the last part? Maybe because I feel like I cheated because of the snack break and the walking? Maybe it's because I thought I would have a definite answer by the end of the run and I'm just as confused as when I started.

The hard part is that there's things I love about it and things I hate about it. When I'm feeling good and I'm doing well, I love it. I would continue to do it forever, I feel like I need it and I question how I could have ever considered giving it up. When I'm hurting or tired I wonder why I would ever want to keep doing this and why would I have this extra stress in my life. I'm really torn. I THINK the positive outweighs the negative but I feel like it's a scale that could fall either way at any time.

So what do I do? I don't know. I like it enough to keep going... for now. I guess I'll just take it week by week. If there comes a point where I think I just can't handle it than I'm taking the first round of advice and I will freely, without any guilt, just let it go. I won't give up running but maybe the goal of THIS marathon. Otherwise, I just keep going along. I'll do the best I can. In 2 weeks I have a half-marathon. If I can run 12 miles this next weekend then I think I can do the half the next and then I'll be back on schedule. I'll take it as it comes and see where I end up.

So I guess I still don't have a definite answer yet. That's OK though. I can't let this depress me or stress me out. No matter what happens I have to remember that less than a year ago I couldn't run for 30 seconds straight and today I just ran 10 miles. 10 MILES!! (Yes, now with exclamations!) What I've done and how far I've come is something to celebrate and it makes me want to see how much more I can do.

We can do more than what we think we're capable of.

The Race

It's a perfect day for a race. The skies are clouded over which makes it not too hot outside and because of recent changes in the weather it's a warm 45 degrees. In Utah that's shorts type of weather, especially while running.

I'm nervous. It's more quiet than usual at the start line & everyone is huddled together in one mass waiting for the last few seconds to count down. The course will be familiar, we've all ran it before on the previous 2 races. I know what I have to look forward to. Long hills that will push me farther than I think my limits are and the shorter super-steep hills come after. Those short hills will feel like climbing a ladder. Did I sign up for rock climbing? I try not to be scared & repeat in my mind, "I love hills! This will be AWESOME! My butt is gonna be HOT in that swimsuit next month! I know I can do this! I've trained for this, I've done these hills before and it's OK, I might have to walk a lot of it but I will do this!"

There's a sharp sound in the air that signals us to move forward and in one wave of people everyone moves like scared deer suddenly spooked out of the meadow.

At least... this is how I would imagine it. This is how I THINK it would happen if I were really there. I'm not. I've been in a different kind of race lately.

Right after my previous post my 2 year old daughter, Anneliese, was sick. Ear infection, eye infection in both eyes, fever, runny nose, she wouldn't eat or drink, she was vomiting, had diarrhea and hadn't urinated in about 10 hours. She was dehydrated and because we've recently discovered she has Juvenile Diabetes she was sent to the ER at Primary Children's Hospital to have an IV. The plan was to re-hydrate & then go home but her blood sugar levels fell really low & the trip to the ER turned into a 3 day stay. I just came home last night with her.

I haven't really ran now in 3 weeks, I haven't been to any physical therapy like I was supposed to, I haven't done any cardio unless you count my efforts of taking the stairs instead of the elevator, my right foot is still hurting & my left ankle has actually caused a limp when I walk. I've also gained weight, maybe due to sitting for 3 days straight with no sleep and not the healthiest food available. (Why don't hospitals serve healthier food? There's only so many meals in a row you can eat salad bar!)

The race is going on right now. Hard as that race is, I wish I was there. Considering the trouble I had WALKING 10 miles on... pretty much flat land last week AND considering that both of my feet need help. Oh, and let's not forget that I have done about ZERO amount of training in the last 3 weeks. Then there's the part where I'm so tired I might end up face down on this keyboard any moment. Well... all of these things combined make me think I might kill my chances of ever being able to run again if I attempt this race today.

So you might ask, "Is she giving up?". Well, I think I have a long enough list now of reasons not to move forward with my goal of running the marathon in May. The least of the items on the list being I'm behind on schedule. Do I think it's even still possible? Yes I do. I think I can still do it. It will be a lot of hard work and take a lot of good luck from this point on but it's possible and as long as it's possible, I know if I don't keep trying I will be disappointed in myself. I'm worried that if I don't keep working toward this goal I might just stop running or trying all together. I don't think Anneliese, my husband or my other kids want a wife or mom who just decided to give up on herself when things got hard.

You see, I've been thrown off my horse quite a few times lately by winds that are definitely not in my control but if I don't keep climbing back on and trying to go farther... won't I still just be sitting on the ground going nowhere? That would be easier for sure but it's not who I am.

9 Weeks Until Marathon: The Wrench

A couple weeks have passed since my last post. I've put off writing for various reasons. 2 days after my last post my 2 year old daughter spent a few days in Primary Children's Medical Center. For a full account please see my other blog. (scroll over space below to see link) http://juliespilledthebeans.blogspot.com/2010/02/annelieses-trip-to-primary-childrens.html

Well needless to say my husband & I were at the hospital really late at night. He would stay over with Anneliese & I would go home, sleep, juggle our other 3 children around & make arrangements for us to be gone the next day. I didn't run, I was an emotional wreck, I was tired and I was overwhelmed.

We came home on Friday and we were trying to figure out our new normal. Saturday I decided to run. I was supposed to run 10 miles if I wanted to stay on my schedule. I thought it might help clear my head or maybe give me some sort of balance back into my life. I was stressed but I didn't want to give up my goal.

I ran. I ran hard. I ran up hills that I didn't even realize I had gone up until I was done. My mind was in a daze. My body was running like it never had before. It was around mile 4 when I stopped running, I fell to my knees on the curb and cried. I just couldn't do it. I had nothing left to give, not even to myself. I felt like I had ran emotional marathons everyday since we took her to the Dr. I felt like someone had lifted me up, thrown me off a cliff and I was grabbing at roots and rocks to try to keep alive only the rocks keep falling and the roots keep breaking off. There, alone, in the street, everything came swelling up and my body became immovable. I called Zach to come & get me. I was done.

A week passed and I had no desire to run. Besides... my early mornings were packed with more Dr appointments and I had no time.

Sunday came and I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to socialize or talk to people, I was mad and didn't feel like acting for people. I wasn't mad at anything or anyone in particular, I wasn't mad at God or my Husband, I guess I was just mad at the situation we were in, I was mad that I wasn't taking care of myself, I was mad that I was letting my goal go and didn't care to do anything about it. I was mad that I had somewhere else to go that day. I was mad that I had been self medicating with chocolate and Pepsi for 2 weeks. Maybe I was mad that I was feeling everything I was feeling, after-all, it's not like she had some terminal disease, she wasn't going to DIE from this! She was going to be fine, I should feel grateful! Am I mad because I'm ungrateful? I have no idea WHY I was mad, I was just upset... depressed. Zach suggested that I take a break for the day and go run. I didn't really want to go. It took me 45 minutes to put on running shoes. I got on You-Tube to try & find something that might spark some positive emotion about running. I found it. A girl who had just ran her first marathon and how she felt throughout and after the process.

I went out the door with a new determination. 10 miles. I feel like I have no control over my life and what happens but I have control over this and I NEED to do this. I ran 3 miles and started to feel physically drained. I couldn't run anymore. I started to walk. The idea was that I would start running again after I gave myself a break. I tried a couple of feeble attempts but didn't get far before I started walking again. That's OK, I'll just walk the 10 miles.

Around mile 7 my foot & ankle started hurting again. By mile 9 I could barely step on my right foot. The pain was excruciating. I thought the Plantar Fasciitis was gone! I had one mile left and I thought about calling Zach to come & get me because of the pain but I NEEDED to finish. Somehow this extreme pain was almost... relieving. It made me feel... something... something other than emotional pain. I just kept repeating in my head... I CAN do this, I WILL do this, I AM doing this. I finally made it home, iced my feet and took a shower that seemed to wash away more than dirt & sweat.

I'm feeling a little better everyday. I have the 10 mile race this Saturday. (The hardest one yet.) I know I won't be able to run it. I'm determined to walk it, I don't care if I'm the last one to cross the line, I just want to do it. The Podiatrist wrapped up my feet again and is sending me to physical therapy so I can heal in time to run the marathon. The hope is that there will be no more pain in 3 weeks. I'm stuck back on the elliptical in the meantime which I'm not excited about but at least I'm still moving forward.

I had this little wrench thrown in that stopped everything from working perfectly and I'm still just trying to figure out how to make everything work... it will be different, I know, but we will get it worked out again.

12 Weeks until the Marathon. 10K Training Race

Tuesday I finally decided to go to the Podiatrist again for my sprained ankle and plantar fasciitis. Inserts were adjusted, the bottom of my right foot and my left ankle got taped up. I was told that I shouldn't run for 2-3 weeks. I told him that I have a 10K race on Saturday that was all uphill and that it was part of training for a marathon in May. He told me I could do the elliptical or biking to keep up my cardio until Saturday to keep the pressure off my feet & ankle. Saturday I was told to take it slow, easy & to ice like crazy when I got home. He also taught me proper running stance for hills. I was relieved when he said I could still run.

6.2 Miles. Lots of hills. I don't know if I was more mentally prepared for it because of the 5K or maybe I was more physically prepared for it because I had added a couple of hills into my training runs but for some reason it actually felt a little (if only by a squeak) easier than the last one. The hills were longer but not quite as steep. They leveled out at the tops so you could catch your breathe. There was one hill at the end where I honestly thought I might die. My heart was pounding loudly, the muscles in my legs felt like they might seize, I started to feel faint and I was WALKING up this extremely steep hill that went as far as my eyes could see. I imagined myself rock climbing it grabbing at roots and branches to try to heave my body up this monstrosity of a mountain. I lived to tell about it and actually didn't do too terrible on my time. I finished in 1:10:50. That's an 11:24 minute mile which is actually faster than the 5k!!! YAY!! But um... maybe that means I didn't take it slow & easy like the Doc said. Whoops!

That was on Saturday. According to my training schedule I was supposed to run 8 miles on Saturday. The race was very taxing and the rest of my day was packed. I auditioned for a play, had lunch with my hubby & kids, had people over for dinner and when I woke up on Sunday morning my quads & behind hurt in a bad way. Whoa! I took Sunday off and "self medicated" with chocolate & Pepsi to make me "feel better". (Which it didn't, it just made me feel worse for being stupid.)

Today I woke up early & I was supposed to run 3 miles today. Well, I'm behind and technically I'm supposed to run 10 miles this Saturday so I didn't feel like I could skip the 8 mile run I was supposed to do. So I decided to do it today and skip the 3 mile day. I did it! I ran 8 miles!! Every time I run farther than the last I get amazed. "I just did that? I just RAN 8 miles?" Oh yes I did, and I'm very excited about it too! I went to my "VooDoo Doctor" today and he broke up some of the scar tissue in my feet & legs, I had some accu-puncture & adjusting and I'm feeling better. My ankle still feels a little weak but I think it's getting stronger. My foot still hurts but not nearly as bad as it did. Hopefully the next time I write, all of those things will be healed and in the past.

The next training race is in 3 weeks and it's a 10 miler. I hear that it starts out with the hills of the 10k and then moves into the steep unforgiving hills of the 5k. Everyone agrees that it's the hardest race of them all. The good news though is that if I can get past this next race... the marathon will seem like cake. At least that's what everyone says. : / I'll train hard over the next few weeks and I'm keeping the few hills that we have around here in my path to try to be ready. BTW Did you hear I just ran 8 miles today!?! hehehe

13 Weeks to go. It's Raining it's Pouring

I'm falling apart. I feel like nothing is working right. I sprained my ankle and I have "plantar fasciitis". I don't like whining so I don't think I ever wrote about it, but if I'm repeating myself, please excuse me.

The plantar fasciitis thing I've had for a few months now. The bottom of my right heel is very painful and feels like it's bruised. It took me a couple months to finally be convinced that it was not going away on its own and to make a podiatrist appointment. He gave me some inserts for my shoes that are supposed to help and also gave me some "anti-inflammatory" medication. I was hoping that it would go away without the medication and just with the inserts but after about a week with no change I tried the pills.

I hate taking any kind of medication and for good reason. It seems my body is super-duper sensitive. If there's a rare side effect... say... "stroke like symptoms" I'm the one that ends up in the emergency room with a stutter, can't talk, and my brain not working. Or let's say that doctors have never even heard of someone getting an "antibiotic caused stomach infection" (pseudomembranous colitis) from amoxicillin but yet there I am, 6 months pregnant and lucky I went into the ER when I did or it could have been too late. It happens often enough that I've become very... cautious, maybe even a little paranoid to pop any kind of pill no matter how innocent the medication might be.

Well, I took half the dose of the anti-inflammatory medication and it did make my foot feel better but even with half the dose I was out! I was like a walking zombie with no energy or life. After a few days of taking it and my foot finally felt better, I stopped. Everything was OK. My foot hurt a bit but at least I could be normal.

The ankle sprain... A couple of weeks ago I was running and saw some grape sized rocks up ahead. I was trying to aim my step so that I wouldn't land on one. I kicked one with my right foot and just before my left foot came down the rock landed under my foot. My left ankle rolled and hurt pretty smart. I stretched it for a minute, thought "Oh crap I just sprained my ankle." and kept running. As soon as I got home I massaged it a bit, iced it, wrapped it and repeated several times through the day. The next day I took the wrap off but kept icing it. It felt weak but I felt OK running on it, so I did.

After the training race last week with all the hills, I've been in pain. At first I just thought it would all go away and I just needed rest. All the muscle pain did go away. My ankle and my heel still kill. I'm scared to go to the podiatrist again because I'm afraid he'll tell me to stop running. I went to my "naturalist" Doctor or as Zach likes to call him..."My Voodoo Doctor". The Eastern Medicine techniques usually work where the Western Docs don't fill in but I didn't find any relief. I have another appointment with him on Tuesday, I'm thinking about another appointment with the podiatrist but I think I'll wait longer and see if it doesn't magically go away. Sucky.

So here I am. Feeling broken and scared. K- Enough of that.

I rested most of this week to try and help my ankle and foot (which didn't help) and today I was supposed to run 7 miles. As if 7 miles wasn't daunting enough I'm determined to add more hills. I marked the map out which... I've decided... although it's needed... to know where to go... all it does is freak me out. Everything seems SO FAR! I've heard that for this same reason you're not supposed to ever drive the course of your marathon. Anyway I had 2 really steep hills today in my run and I'm proud to say I ran the whole thing. Not very quickly but I did. In the rain. With wet shoes, socks and hair. Ladies & Gentlemen... I ran 7 miles today with hills! The longest I've ever ran! I feel like I might die now but I did it.

Next week I have the 2nd training race. It's a 10K (6.2 miles) and I hear it's all uphill. Again. I'm scared.

14 Weeks Left & My First Training Race

Things went pretty much as scheduled last week except for Saturday, which is normally the day I do my long run, I had a 5K race. I signed up for a "Winter Training Circuit" through Strider's and it's supposed to get you ready for the Marathon in May. The races start at a 5K, then a 10K, 10 Miler, Half Marathon & a 30K. They say once you get through these races you can run the Marathon with no problem.

Friday I went to Strider's to pick up my racing packet. I gave her my name, she handed me a bag with a running shirt, beanie, my racing bib & chip. As I was about to walk away she said "It could rain in the morning so dress warm, oh, and it's up hill a lot."

Hills. I live where flat farms used to be and there are no hills around me. I have not been practicing with hills. This didn't scare me though. When I have ran a hill or two I didn't have a problem really. It's only a 5K. Only 3 miles. Cake.

Saturday came along and I had been up since 3:00am with my 2 year old daughter. I finally got dressed (warmly & waterproof), drank some V8 to get something in me and got in the car to drive 30 minutes to the Dee Events Center in Ogden. It was foggy, drizzling rain & freezing cold. I'm glad I was prepared. I locked my car doors, got my ear phones ready and followed a crowd of people that seemed to know where they were going. I think I walked all the way around the huge building before I finally came to where the race should begin.

There are so many people. I don't know anyone and feel pretty awkward just standing there alone. I realized that this is the first race I've been in alone. I usually do these with my Mom, Sister, Friend... someone. I know of people that signed up for this circuit but there are so many people here there's a next-to-nothing chance I would find them even if I was looking really hard. Plus everyone is wearing hats & sunglasses (except the handful of crazies wearing shorts & tank tops) so it would be hard to recognize anyone anyway.

My fingers are feeling numb. The crowd starts to line up at the starting line. I edge to the very back so I don't get trampled on when it starts. Ready, Set, GO! The crowd moves forward in one huge mass. We come to the first couple of hills and everything is fine. I'm keeping the same pace and I'm thinking that... yeah, it's hard but I'm feeling pretty good about it. I start to pass people that are slowing down on the hills. We turn into a neighborhood and the hill is steeper than the previous ones. I'm still keeping my pace. We turn a corner and the hill is no longer a hill it's like a step ladder. After the first ten steps I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. "OK, so maybe I'll have to walk it. Yeah, I can walk it & then start jogging again when I get to the top & it levels out."

The only problem with this thinking was that it never really leveled out. It was slightly less inclined but that's it. I jogged where I could & walked the rest. People started passing me. About halfway through they had drinks. I drank & tried to breathe as I walked slowly through the station. I finally saw mile marker 2 and was so grateful to think that we had to be going back downhill anytime now.

I don't know how it's possible but other than 2 downward slopes, we didn't go back down. I swear! I feel pretty confident saying it was pretty much uphill the whole way. Whatever.

I could finally see the finish line. There was only a slight hill going up to finish but it felt so steep. My legs were wobbly, my heart was still pounding and I thought about crying. I remember thinking that I had never been through something that physically hard before and that includes child birth people!! I had to walk around for a few minutes to bring my heart down to a somewhat normal type of beat. I had some orange slices & water. They posted the results right away. I finished in 36:43 minutes. That's an 11:48 minute mile. Considering I walked most of it that's not too terrible. I can honestly say that it kicked my butt though. I came straight home & took an epsom salt bath, iced the places I felt like needed it the most and then went out and had some fun with my daughter.

The next day was Sunday. Because of the race I didn't do my long run of 6 miles on Saturday. I came to the conclusion that I needed to add some hills into my training and the only place close to me is a freeway over pass. After the overpass it goes slightly uphill for a while so I thought this would be perfect. I mapped out 6 miles and started running.

When I got to the overpass my legs were already hurting & wobbly. I didn't realize how sore I was from yesterday until I started jogging. I walked up the overpass and ended up walking the rest of the 6 miles. I figure it doesn't do any good to make things hurt worse, I would just need more time to heal. I took today off.

I'm a little discouraged and for different reasons. First of all I walked a lot of the 3K. It makes me think... maybe I'm not cut out for this. 2nd... I didn't run the 6 miles and I was panicked about that at first and then I just figured... oh well... I would just go forward as scheduled and do the 7 miles this next Saturday. I should be feeling better by then. I'm also a little concerned about the remaining races. I found out from a friend that the 10K and the 10 Miler are just as bad. Crap! I guess the plan is that by the time we've ran these races the marathon will seem like a cake walk. That's what I'm hoping. I'm now pushing myself farther than I ever have before and farther than I think I really ever wanted to before. To be honest... I'm a little scared.